More than a decade ago, the feeling was the same as today. You find yourself doing much for the organization you belong to. Carrying your country’s flag overseas for proud moments, winning competitions, and helping other teachers through training and, of course, bringing innovation into the classes you teach.

That time, I was denied the in-service scholarship application to study at an undergraduate level too. Applications never made it out of the department, no considered. It was upsetting. From dreaming to learn the English language for my Bachelor’s degree – I then sacrificed dreams, money, time, and energy to pursue a BSc in Information Technology at a local campus. Part-time, teaching young students in the morning, sharing and training teachers in the afternoon. While at night, I continued my 6 days of night classes to get a degree.

I managed all of those three peacefully and was awarded first class for my undergraduate degree. Sounds easy, but it was horrible – physically, mentally, and financially.

I thought once you get a degree and keep doing your work passionately, it would be easier for my experience, contribution and age to be awarded an in-service scholarship for my postgraduate studies and be blessed by the organization you are faithful to. Again, application never made out from the department. Shoved in the shelf, another unworthy of me. Again, not considered.

They never saw me eye to eye. They never saw my sincerity to do more, to learn, and be credible to potentially help education further. Another broken hope. Another despair and empty longing.

I lost my mind in February, how selfish life is. I was taught that hard work, dedication and results will flourish your life for the better. Now, I don’t believe in anything or anyone anymore.

I lost my faith so I let go of my dream of becoming an Instructional Technologist of 16 years. There’s no more purpose in life. Honestly, when your passion is broken, what is there to do? Life itself is just a waste of time.

Life is really unfair. No matter how much you prayed hard and asked people around you to pray for you, locally and in the holy land of Makkah, everyone seems to turn their back.

I no longer feel religion or faith – that was the first sign of depression. My tears have dried since then. Right now, my mind is just like a wanderer, trying to do something that might help others a bit. I lost my patience, because it’s really tiring, lying to yourself hoping for it so much to be good but never comes.

They broke my heart repeatedly, and they narrated their righteousness without the feeling of compassion. I’m just the unlucky and hated one, even though I had done much and did my best.

Evil, zalim people win. Being a nobody, you fall and fail. The 3Ks never found me.